i want the moment to be real
wanna touch things i dont feel.
wanna hold on and feel i belong.
and how can the world want me to change?
they're the ones that stay the same
they dont know me
cause im not here.







just what do those fucking words mean?

i shouldnt have blamed you. it's all my fault. im sorry.

it feels like im stuck in the middle

to the person that i've hurt
i feel like a f*cking bitch. did somethings that i didnt wish to do. how i could do that. it's because of someone else. why did i do that? right now i just hate myself so much. i just wanna say sorry to you. but nothing will heal a broken heart. i just wanna quit this school right now. i cant even face you anymore. and i'll understand if you just hate me so much. and not wanting to talk to me anymore.


i dont understand what you're saying sorry for. i just dont understand you. sometimes i feel irritated. why cant you just tell me. you always hide things to yourself. you'll only make yourself suffer, not me.


im just so angry with you. it's because of you that i said that thing to her. why did i even do it. i cant even face her now. i dont wanna live this kind of life anymore. i guess that everything should just end.

i know that you (reader)dont know what the hell im talking about cause it's my life. and you're not there 24/7 right. yeah. so if you dont understand, it's okay. cause it's not meant for you to understand.

it ends tonight

lights out and my seat back as far as it will go
casting shadows like statues
im right outside you window
there's no such thing as second chances
there's no such thing dont bother to explain

you're so beautiful did you hear a word i said
you're so beautiful i guess this is what i get

we trust and believe so easily in words they speak
we seek security in one another but there's no way to cover this
and these tragic nights and afternoons wreak disaster
and i can still feel you as if you were in the room
where does our story end where does it start
i buried you along with my heart

entertain me and tell me " it didnt mean anything"
it's vengous worth my torlerance and i could be careless
but i promise you'll feel everything

i've made up my mind
there is no turning back
she's been good to me
and she deserves better then that
it's the hardest thing i' ll ever have to do.
to look you in the eye
and tell you i dont love you
it's the hardest thing i'll ever have to lie
to show no emotion when you start to cry
i cant let you see what you mean to me
when my hands are tied and my heart's not free
we're not meant to be
it's the harest thing i'll ever have to do
to turn around and walk away,
pretending i dont love you.

i wanna decide cause it's worth deciding
i love playing the guitar. although i only know how to play two songs, a few starting of some songs. not bad huh? haha. and i wanna learn more. anw, seriously dont feel like going to school tml. i've got no mood. haiz. anw, i feel sick too. shouldnt have eaten the chips. it feels so uncomfortable.

take so much out of me to pretend .

life? what is it for? why are we here? i've been told that we're here for a purpose. God made us for a purpose. but what am i here for? i dont even know. how i wish that i could just have the answer right infront of me. it'd be so much easier.why does everything have to be so complicated.? i even wonder why God gave us a life. what are some of us here for? sometimes i feel that some of us has no purpose here. seriously. and i have this question that my sister cant even answer. i seriously wonder why God made us when he knew that we're going to betray him. he's misterious.
but whatever the situation is, we shoud believe in him. we should put our trust in him. :D
and sometimes i wonder- why does he put certain people in our lives? oh well, i'll never know. im just grateful that he did. cause they are just so important to me. i love them.<3

cant you see im breaking down.

she's my idol and im her number one fan! i love her!<3

today didnt really enjoy my day. damn tired. almost slept in the most boring class- e maths. why cant the teacher be more entertaining. super boring lah. then after school went to study. went to the hdb flats. and OMG! we saw a lot of cockroach. one flew past me and landed on my uniform. i feel dirty. DISGUSTING LAH. im never going to the hdb flats again.

then tml i have to go physo. so mahfan. must rush to geylang. and waste my time there. haiz. then must study again. damn tired still must study. then tml i'll feel tired again. then no one will go to the physo with me. anw it'll be a waste of time for that person. oh well. and must spend money on physo. which isnt cheap. then on thursday have training. then friday im doing the class deco. wah damn busy. hopefully next week i dont have to stay back everyday.

i just wanna go home and sleep all day long.- just like a pig. zzz

speak to me
whisper the words of truth
take my hand wont you make me new
jesus how i love you
how i love you

today i sort of had fun during all my lessons and i've realised that if we paid more attention, the lessons will be very interesting. didnt know that chinese could actually be fun. but i think that maths is the most fun subject although the teacher of e maths can be damn boring. all you need is your friends. they'll entertain you all day long.haha. thanks a lot!:) although i slept quite late ytd, i wasnt tired. amazing, huh?haha.

anw, today's training was okay lah. the sec2s played against another school. dont know of they win or lost. but i think it's a lost? cause cs was sort of pissed off. anw, training was quite fun. and the next training, the sec2s are going to play w another school, i think.

and i cant use my ez card to buy food just because it's auto topup. wth lah. stupid school.they are just maing this worse. now im super broke. only can supply myself w food and nth else. cant buy anything. haiz.

anw, did my research for my english. so troublesome lah. must do research. anw, it's been such a great day, to me. haha. and it's time to end the day w sleeping.haha nites!:)

you're my idol and im you're number one fan!. i love you!:)

after all this time,
i never thought we'd be here,
never thought we'd be here.
and my love for you is blind.
but i couldnt make you see it,
couldnt make you see it.
and i love you more than you'll ever know
a part of me died when i let you go.

and how can i
stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this
cause you're all i want,
you're all i need.
you're everything.
everything.

lately, something here dont feel right. this is just a half-life.

i know that you wont read my blog. or maybe not? but i'll write it here. or should i? see my mood first lah.

have been thinking a lot. but dont know what the hell im thinking. so many things in my head. too confused. cant really concentrate in class. what am i doing? is this right? or is this wrong? i dont wanna hurt another anymore. i've done too much hurting. and now i have to stop it. but how? what to do?

today has been a looooonnnng day. time seems to pass very slowly, huh? of course!. the subjects today are sort of boring. a maths, geog, lit, ss.. what else? i forgot. nvm. haha.
anw, after school went to eat lunch w MY BESTFRIEND at hlm. er.. then we saw pra and charmine. haha. i've just realised that pra's nickname is "neetu".haha. wth lah. dont fit her. i think "PRA" sounds nicer. dont cha think so? haha. then after that went home to get my stupid letter signed and went back to school again. wth. waste my time. but i also had to do the class deco. haiz. STUPID LI SHAN!. paint my shoe gold. i'll make you wash it for me. then im suppose to go home with jamie chan. but i forgotton that i was holding pearlyn's things and i had to put the pail back at 1st level. and i was at the 2nd level at that time. so i had to walk aalllllllllll the way to the 4th level, took the pail and went down again. so damn tired. and the pail is quite heavy. thankGod that i dont have to carry it up to the 4th level.haha. then went to the canteen and called pea.

me: hello? pearlyn?
pea: who are you?( i heard it as "where are you?")
me: in the canteen.
pea: who are you?( then i heard the same thing)
me: in the canteen.
pea: who are you?(then realised that she said who are you)

obviously i said " claris " DUH!
omg! i think i have hearing problems or her prounciation is wrong. haha. so now im home, blogging again.

maybe i shouldnt have asked that question in the first place. then i wouldnt know. but now i do. so i'll pretend not to know. but i just cant AHH! it freaks me out.

is there really no escape? no escape from time of any kind?

i dont wanna think about it.

i hate you! i hate you!. i hate you!. why cant you just leave me alone. sometimes i just wish that you'll shut your f*cking mouth. so F*cking irritaing lah. just leave me alone!.

my phone bill's gonna EXPLODE. my phone bill's gonna EXPLODE. my phone bill's gonna EXPLODE.!
some of you should know why. have been msg-ing for the past few days. and last month my phone bill was hundred again. my mum ssort of scolded me. but thank god that i dont have to pay for it. heng arh. or else i dont even have to eat during break if my ez card dont have money. just pray that it wont explode this month. and im trying to cut down on my msg-es. so if i didnt replay you.. you should know why. or else there's another reason. and im trying to occupy myself by studying so that i wont reply that fast. sorry if you've been waiting for my msg for damn long. :) and i played badminton again. damn embarrassing but FUN! then my lunch was.. wah. damn nice. except for the rice.haha. and so time to study and do my homework!.

on sat, i think, you told me what she said. i felt broken inside, thinking why? i cried and cried. but you just didnt hear me. i felt as if nothing mattered to me anymore that's why you said the i've changed. i know that she'll find out sooner or later. but the things you told me are still running in my head. i cant stop thinking about them. it just hurts me so much. but i wont let myself go hungry. i'll continue with my daily things. i dont want people to suddenly ask questions. -what happen to me?- but i dont care..
i dont care. i wanna continue loving her. i just cant get her outta of my mind. i guess that i've loved her too much and too long. she's been on my mind ever since i was in sec1. i just cant forget her. she's just so beautiful in my eyes.


she's my role model and im her number one fan!

woah. first day of school of the term and im already dying. today- hmm. chinese was damn boring. and e maths was even worse. OMGosh! i almost slept quite a number of times in class. thank god that she gave us work to do or else im gonna get scolded for sleeping in class. but seriously. she was damn super boring. okay.. then the rest of the subjects was okay. love a maths. quite fun actually. then school ended at 2.20pm today. had to wait til 4.45pm just for training to get started. but me and qinyi went to play badminton. damn fun lah. but my arm ached after that. but it was so damn fun!. haha. then er. training started. er training was okay lah. and she choose 17 ppl in the netball team. sec2- shuci, elizabeth, leehuang, penelope, ashley, jocleen, yuxian. sec3- zhixian, eliz, chin, nats, gloria, me, qinyi, pra, weiying, jas. then she's gonna drop some ppl off the team. and then we went to buy bubble tea. took damn long lah. then weiying owes me ka ching!. MONEY! haha. okayokay. then went home.. nth much. so now im here blogging and i did cut my hair ytd. it looks kinda funny. shouldnt have cut my hair. i miss my old hair. well, too bad for that lah. now im gonna let it grow till i wanna cut again. haha. then tml i end quite early i think. maybe going to jamie's house and 'play' with her dog and weikee and whoever are going are gonna see me being tortured by the dog. but tml needa study again. my mum saw my report book this morning and she said why i didnt show her the past few days. wah. she's gonna drown me in my books. but i have to work harded this term and for the rest of the term. MUST WORK VERY,VERY,VERY HARD! thought of the week.:NEVER. NEVER, NEVER GIVE UP!.. it's kinda lame. oh well, that's the thought of the week.haha. and so.. my torture begins NOW! gotta study. sianz. have fun studying claris!. and for the rest.. enjoy your school days.haha.:)

i wanna cut my hair! i think it's damn long lah. so hot! hopefully i can cut tml. and there's training on mon! ahh!. and i love that song a lot. thanks to gloria. haha. i kept playing that song. it's so damn nice lah. and guess what? I SAW HER! I SAW HER!.. online. opps. made everyone so excited haha. but it's been super long that i've seen her online. okay im just being lame now. haha. anw, tml is sunday and im not going to church again. just being lazy. oh well. i dont even exist in my church. i think the people there dont even know who i am. haven't been to church for like more than half a year i suppose. and im not planning to go there. unless im being forced to. and julie got in! gr8 job julie. i love you. dont dissappoint us!.:)and my sis just showed me a ring that has a HUGE pink flower on it. it's quite nice and i think it's quite embarrassing to wear it out. haha. anw, nth much to blog. all i did today was slacking and doing my homework. now i only have chinese to go. i think. anw, have a nice day and enjoy the last one and dont know how many hours left of the holiday.haha.

everytime i see your face
everytime you look my way
it's like it all falls onto place
everything feels right
ever since you walked awy
you left my life in disarray
all i want is one more day
cause all i need is one more day with you.

cant wait to let you hear me play the guitar.

yes gloria- you're mine.haha. anw, i've learnt how to play that song.OMGosh! how cool is that. im so damn happy lah. but if it wasnt for my sis, i wouldnt even know how to play the guitar.haha. im still learning how to play more than words. still cant get some chords. and i want to learn how to play many other songs. cant wait!.:)

anw, today, went out w friends. met ppl on the way. haha. went to k-box. damn fun! sing like there's no tomorrow.haha. but the sad thing is that.. IT'S DAMN EXPENSIVE. ahh! all my money! i've spent my this week's allowance just in one day. damn sad lah. have to wait for next week to get my allowance again. next time we'll just go to the beach. admission is FREE! and you dont have to pay just by looking at the sky. haha. hurts me to spend my money leh. everytime when i look at my wallet, it's cashless. haiz. oh well. cant really go out for the next few days, unless my mum allows me and we'll go window shopping.haha.cant bear to spend anymore.:)

anw,(Bdiv netballers- if you're reading this) next mon there's training at 4.45. dont be late. and SHE'S gonna choose the main team. OMGosh. damn scary lah. and i think it's a bit too fast.

then next term- timetable's quite okay. lastest time that i'll go home is at 3 plus. YES! so damn happy. but i'll miss my term 1 timetable. cause i love odd tuesdays. 2 free periods!. but now.. haiz.. i dont understand. why must they change the timetable? cant they just give us our own classrooms. i hate carrying my bag all around school. so irritating. and imgaine that you've got so many lessons on that day.wah you'll just die carrying your bag. it's just madness lah. especially when your lesson is at the 1st level and the next at the 4th level. it's just crazy man!

like a flower to a tree
that's how close i wanna be
to your heart
like the stars to the night
and the daytime is to light
will never part
i want you to be
the only thing that i've seen
cause i believe it's our destiny

well you done done me and you bet i felt it
i tried to be chill but you're so hot that i melted
i fell right through the cracks
and now im trying to get back
before the cool done run out
i'll be giving it my bestest
nothing's going to stop me but my divine intervention
i reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

i wont hesitate no more, no more
it cannot wait, im yours

well open up your mind and see like me
open up your plans and damn you're free
look into your heart and you'll find love love love
listen to the music of the moment maybe sing with me
a la peaceful melodies
it's you God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved

so i wont hesitate no more, no more
it cannot wait, im sure
there's no need to complicate
our time is short
this is our fate, im yours

i've been spending way too long chocking my tongue in the mirror
and bending over backwards just to see it clearer
my breath fogged up the glass
and so i drew a new faced and laughed
i guess what im saying is there aint no better reason
to rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
it's what we aim to do
our name is our virtue

i wont hesitate no more, no more
it cannot wait im sure
no need to complicate
our time short
this is our fate, im yours

well no no, well open up your mind and see like me
open up your plans and damn you're free
look into you heart and you'll find love love love love
listen to the music of the moment com and dance with me
a la one big family
it's you God-faorsaken right to be loved love love love

i wont hesitate no more
oh no more no more no more
it's you God -forsaken right to be loved, im sure
there's no need to complicate
our tim is short
this is our fate, im yours

no i wont hesitate no more, no more
this cannot wait im sure
there's no need to complicate
our time is short
this is our fate, im yours

boring day. boring holiday. well, at least i get to rest and take a week off from school. this holiday break makes me think a lot. and i seriously miss the old school a lot. all the memories. especially someone. just cant forget her. i miss her so much. and i miss my last year teachers. not like this year. and the trainings fun but i miss the sec4s. miss training w them. now we're combined with the sec2s. quite okay lah. also dont really know what it's like to train with them. feels a bit weird. maybe we're too used training with the sec4/5. well it's time we get used to them. anw, coach saadiah's choosing the main 16 by next mon. that's very fast. but it's unfair to those who are not in the team last year. they dont stand a chance. she dont even know some of them. well, all i can say now is that this week has been quite boring.

a subdued silence undisturbed
by the sound of her breath.
so carefully brush her hair back from her eyes
in steady sequence one by one.
she slips away.

so close your eyes and sleep to dream.
im by your side.
no words to speak
we'll set our course and make it through
no matter how far i go,
my heart remains with you.

and im not sure what im looking for
but it's clear to see
the purpose of my existence is laying here
in front of me

so close your eyes and sleep to dream
im by your side
no words to speak
we'll set our course and make it through
no matter how far i go,
my heart remains with you.

and if all else fails
you can look up at the sky
because its the same one
that shines above you and i.
and if all else fails
you can close your eyes
and i'll be right beside you
i'll be the one by your side

so close you eyes and sleep to dream
im by your side no words to speak
we'll set our course and make it through
no matter how far i go,
no matter how much this hurts
i wanted you to know
my heart remains with you.

what day is it? and in what month?
this clock never seemed so alive.
i cant keep up and i cant back down
i've been losing so much time.

cause it's you and me and all other people
with nothing to do, nothing to lose
and theres you and me and all other people
and i dont konw why, i cant keep my eyes off of you

what are the things that i want to say
just aren't coming out right
im tripping on words
you get my head spinning
i dont know where to got from here

cause there's you and me and all other people
with nothing to do, nothing to prove
and there's you and me and all other people
and i dont know why, i cant keep my eyes off of you

there's something about you now
i cant quite figure out
eveything she does is beautiful
and everything she does is right

cause there's you can me and all other people
with nothing to do, nothing to lose
and there's you and me and all other people
and i dont know why, i cant keep my eyes off of

you and me and all other people
with nothing to do, nothing to prove
and there's you and me and all other people
and i dont know what i cant keep my eyes off of you

what day isit? and in what month?
this clock never seemed so alive.

i love my bestfriend i love my best friend i love my bestfriend.

i open my eyes
i try to see but im blinded by the white light
i cant remember how
i cant remember why
im lying here tonight
and i cant stand the pain
and i cant make it go away
no i cant stand the pain

how could this happen to me
i made my mistake
ive got no where to run
the night goes on
as im fading away
im sick of this life
i just wanna scream
how this happen to me

everybody's screaming
i try to make a sound but no one hears me
im slipping off the edge
im hanging by a thread
i wanna start this over again
so i try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
and i cant explain what happened
and i cant erase the things that ive done
no i cant

how could this happen to me
i made my mistakes
ive got no where to run
the night goes on
as im fading away
im sick of this life
i just wanna scream
how could this happen to me

i made my mistakes
ive got no where to run
the night goes on
as im fading away
im sick of this life
i just wanna scream
how could this happen to me.

take me hand and never let me go. promise me you'll never let me go.

got back my results. and it's damn bad. failed 3. and my percentage? bad. worse than my sec1 results. must buck up during the march holidays. that means i have to go straight home after school. haiz. but i dont want to. dont wanna study at all. then today found out quite a few "strange" things. shalln't say. cause i cant .haha. anw, after school, went to hlm w zx bella jiale and gloria. and so im back hm. haiz. and gonna study at night again. hope that i'll sleep early so that i wont have to study.

im sorry for all the hurt things i've done. i dont know why i feel this way. i cant control it. i dont know if i still like you. im just so damn confuse now. im sorry. i dont even know what i want. im sorry to hurt you over and over again. i dont even deserve to be in your life. im sorry.

today had heats. OMGosh. we won the relay. damn happy lah. and i had 3rd for 100m. not bad eh?haha. then after that, i went to do the shotputt. yuck! damn disgusting lah. we threw it on the grass. then got MUD on the ball. damn disgusting. im never gonna do shotputt again.
then today's training was a killer.
warm up- jog for 1/3
-sidesteps for 1/3
- dropback for 1/3
do damn long lo.just feel like dying. then after that we went to do some physical thing. damn tiring lah. now im actually having muscle aches. then after training, zx and eliz was appointed cap and v-cap. but only for 2 weeks. haha. mrs tng said that only some ppl will be appointed cap and vcap. for 2 weeks only. wanna try out dont konw what. haha.
well anw, when i reached home, my shoulders hurt lah. carry so many stuff.
and i feel like complaining about the school again.AHH!!!
wahliao. cant the school just give us our own classrooms so that the teachers wont complain about us being late for class. and i think that the old school is better. the holding school is also much better than THIS school. this school sucks lah. if i can transfer school, i would. then the 1st level toilets have lots of squats. wth lah. haha.
er. actually have nth to say anymore. i just feel damn bored.
ohya. coach saadiah's choosing the main team after the march holidays. or isit before? hmm. dont know lah. but it's damn fast lah.
ohohoh. and my class got back our results. OMGosh!. guess what. i failed geog, lit and obviously SS. duh!. ss is very similar to history and i've been failing history through out the whole of last year. so i dont really care bout ss. but GEOG?! omg! i cant believe that i failed geo lah. omg. im such a failure.

i love her so much.

school's mad. many crazy stuff are happening.
well, went out w one of the days this week w gloria and bella. LIED TO ME SO MANY TIMES!. wahliao. i know im blur lah. but dont have to lie to me right. haha. at least you told me that you LIED! haha. ya and i know it's fun having me around. i bring so much joy and laughter. reason being? cause im blur.haha.well, at least my blur-ness bring joy and laughter.haha.
and today i got my maths paper back. WTH!. so many careless mistakes. just feel like dying. AHH! could have gotten more marks.
and today also had a peerlite meeting. damn fun lah. haha. keep laughing. ohohoh. and last week my name and some other people's name was called for sth during assembly on mon. wah i thought i did sth wrong. but cant be. cause im so guai at school.haha. anw, ms tini told us that we're the top few that got highest number of sit-ups. omg!. surprising!. haha. then i took part in the situp competion. only because of the cca points. haha. very lame lah. haha.
then today got the firedrill. wth. FALSE ALARM!. stupid school. wth.
wah. then today i regretted putting the tape. my leg hurts. kana cut by the tape. but if i dont put the tape, my ankle will hurt. can feel like it's detached.
then on sat got the stupid peerlite thing. and im doing the opening prayer. OMG! i dont even know what im suppose pray for. THANK GOD im not doing the closing prayer.
im a dead person.

there's a woman crying out tonight
her world has changed she asked
god why her only she has died and her daughter cries
she can't sleep at night

downtown another day for all the suits and ties
another war to fight there's no reguard for like
how can they sleep at night
how can we make things right
just wan to make this right

we believe, we believe,
we believe, we believe,
we believe, we believe in this love

we are all the same human in all our ways and all our plain
so let it be, there's a love that could fall down like rain
let us see, let forgiveness wash away the pain
what we need, and no one really know what they are searching for
we believe, this world is crying for so much more

so this world, is too much for you to take
just lay it down and follow me
i'll be everything you need
in every way