I just dont get it and i dont want to. Go away.

dear blogger/ unknown readers,

Today's my birthday. And it all started out so good. At midnight, the netballers came to surprise me. I really didnt expected anything from them. Seriously. The only thing in my mind was that it'll be the most aweful day, whereby my parents wont even remember that it's my birthday, or most of my friends would forget also. So when my mum came in i just said that it didnt matter if it's my birthday at all, then came in the netballers, with a giant card, few pieces of sliced birthday cake and the video of E-liz imitating Mrs J for.. many years. When did she start the very first video? hah.

After they were gone, I continued with my Doctor Who. And i slept until the next morning at 11am. Cause i still see no point of making myself so excited for the day, so why spend so long for this day. Anw, many msges came in, plus facebook wishes. Then for lunch, I ate with er jie. Balithai. Thereafter, we went to the pets safari. And my sister bought me a giraffe! Poor Raffti.

So, Big question. How did i spent my birthday? I was siting infront of this very computer the whole day watching series of Doctor Who and HIMYM. It's the same for me every single day. And guess what? Today was infact the most painful day and aweful day ever. Cause i didnt have someone to share it with throughout like last year. It was so horrible. I missed him. I still dont understand. Even though he may not be here torturing me emotionally, he still can. Memories of him just wants to fade away. But yet, im still holding on. What for? You're just wasting your time and effort. I hate myself for this. It's just such a lonely birthday.
I really wanted to get through this day without crying. But i've failed.
I know you dont care. And you're annoyed with me for everything. Nothing i do can ever have you back. Then why am i finding it so damn f-ing difficult to let go of you.

One thing i did learn today. Dont have any expectations at all and you wont be disappointed.
It's 11.53pm. Just 7 more minutes to the end of my birthday. It doesnt matter anymore.

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain

Labels: You Alone are God

This is the month of May. Which also means my birthday is coming. Everyone say: AWESOME!
Anw, what do i want to get for my birthday? Well, stuff like that $90 green long pants from zara. I didnt think i would turn out liking things from zara and stuff that would cost more than $30. Have the money, but not the heart to spend it. :/ Besides trying to save as much.. for those of you who knows what's going on here and there. :) Other stuff includes a rock climbing shoes, that brown vintage bag (maybe not vintage).. There are other stuff, but i cant really rmb right now. :) Anw, one thing i would love to have for my birthday is that everyone gives me blue flowers. I'd be so pychic to wake up in the morning receiving blue flowers till the cows comes home. It's not the usual birthday present, but it would be memorable and AWESOME!. Plus, I REALLY LIKE BLUE FLOWERS!. In my whole life, i didnt receive one blue flower at all. :/ so i guess it would be awesome. Sadly at the same time, no one is reading this blog cause it's long dead and gone. No one knows this blog is alive and kicking! I guess, my birthday will just be another ordinary day. Just like how i spent it for the past 3 years. I really want something special this year.

the ultimate thing that i want can never happen.

As I walked to your doorstep, I wonder, what if he opens the door? As I look from you afar, I wonder, will he notice me? Till today, i know im not completely over. Yet, I can stay calm. There's just something about you. But what? I know it's gonna be a long way for me. There's nothing I can do about it, but to pray.

Why you?

Times has been hard on me. But I guess there's are worse cases. Right now as Im typing, I can feel my heart beating so damn hard. Reason? Im on the verge of crying. So in order not to, I have to breathe very hard and calmly. By just talking, tears would come. So whenever I wanna stop all these tears, I'd go to facebook and go to J's profile. Play the video- Oceans will Part. I find comfort in that song.

One thing i realised is that doing stuff, keeping myself busy is only a temporary solution. Eventually, it'll get tougher. Some nights you dream of him. Sometimes, you see him in your house. But it's just an imagination. Really, this thing is tearing me into bits and pieces. I become vulnerable at one look at his face. Or even seeing couples tgh. It just reminds me of him. It seems like everythings does nowadays. It's tough. But what else can do but to hold on to Him. Only God can take the pain away. And it's when times like this comes, all the more i should hang on to Him. Only He can bring me out of sufferings and pain. Being a christian doesnt mean you get to live a life without pain or trouble. For some, they live with it throughout their lives. I should be grateful that this is only temporary pain. It's taking more than I expected. But it'll pass. I believe God will not let me go through this for any longer. I believe it'll pass soon. Cause Im finally learning to let go of him. I just wished it didnt have to turn out this way. Cause it really sucks. Really.

I've lost a bestfriend at the same time. And i know that I can never have that friend that I used to know anymore. We've become strangers. You are stuck to your phone like glue. Even though i was beside you, you chose your phone over me. Silence took place. Nothing else came. You're not the man I used to know. Where's he?

One of my greatest regret is that I didn't cherish you. You slipped away through my fingers. And it really sucks without you. Especially when I walk down the memory lane. You've yet to fulfill your promises. Some made more than one year ago. Remember when you said that you fear that you couldn't provide for me? Truth is, you can't. But I didn't mind. All because I loved you too much to care about all these. But when you kept making promises and couldn't deliver, I just felt they were empty promises. That's why i began to bug you. I wanted you to know that you shouldn't make promises when you know you can't deliver. But why do you still do it? Isit because you dont wanna let me down? You've done by making empty promises. Yet, you denied. You said you were gonna fulfill it. Said it all takes time. Really? Cause right now, I think it doesnt matter anymore. Just felt very cheated by you. Yet, right now, I still dont mind you doing that. Why? Because you're still on my mind. In my heart. I know this may never come true. All I want is a second chance with you. To make it an even better one. In my eyes, I still only see you. Although I've told some something else. I cant hide it. Some of my friends will kill me if they see this. But i couldn't care less. Why would I let myself hurt again cause of the same guy? Why can't I learn my lesson? Why can't I let go? Yet, it's not because I can't. But i wouldn't. Then why wouldn't I? I dont know. Why the hell am I still in Love with you? In love with someone whom I know can't provide for me? Whom I know I won't have a future with. Why the hell? Sucks really. Why did you have to be the first? I've told you so. You said to take that leap of faith with you. I did. It didn't work out. I TOLD YOU SO! Why did we rush into things? See now what I've done to our prefectly fine friendship. Our perfectly innocent friendship which turned out into a disaster in the end. The reason why I've said that I've should have said no was because I wanted you in my whole live. I know a relationship would destroy it. But why the hell did I let it happen? It sucks really. You have no idea how Im feeling right now. Especially when everything seems to crash down on me. Family; friends; you. You have no idea. Yet you want me to be okay within one day. Bullshit really. If I can do that. That means I dont treasure any of the relationships i have with anyone. You just dont understand. I just dont understand why too.

God, please help me. I really need to let go of the need to know why. Having faith is not as easy as you think it is. It's not. I struggle with it every single time. Cause every single time, i would try to take it into my hands.

Why must it be YOU!?

Labels: you

Dear bloggers with no readers. Well, i assumed there isnt anymore. I feel that I've been a burden to some. A troubled heart, a troubled mind. To say the truth, I was over him. But, the more things i do with my friends and alone brings me many memories of him. Making me falling in love again. I just feel empty, you know. And all im doing is to try to fill this emptiness with my friends. To say the truth, I feel more alive when im with him. Really. He said that if my friends ever knew, they'd be so disappointed. How would they feel? Well, how did I feel when Im with them? No point of asking myself what went wrong. And how I wish I could turn back time. Cause it's all gone. Just memories fading away. I dont remember the unhappy moments. All that is filled in my mind is how happy we were at that point. It hurts. It does. But there's no point. Telling myself to give up is the toughest thing when I loved him the best I could. Yet, it wasnt enough. I met him the other day. Face to face. No, it was planned at all. I just happened to see him. And yet, i saw how awkward he looked. I know he saw me. But he pretending not to. What happened? What happened to us? As much as my friends want me to move on, as much as i hate to say this, I still love him. And idk what else to do. Seriously, I've done so much to try to move on. Even to the point of trying to like someone else to get over him. It's not working. If you read this and wanna scream at me or scold me. Go ahead. He already did. It's just painful. And i just dont understand why men can get over so easily, while it's killing me from the inside out.

Being loved by someone gives you strength while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
-You said so yourself

Labels: A troubled heart, a troubled mind

Right now, I dont feel at peace. Im uncomfortable in many ways that can't be described and some, I would rather not mention least it gives me any emotional unrest. That's the last thing I would want especially Im not really emotionally stable. As you know, there's many troubled things going on my mind. Some still haunting me. Even in my dreams. It was so bad to the point I cried that night and not wanting to sleep for I fear, even though I was so tired.

But one thing i did do. I cried out to God. I prayed to Him. Asking Him to give me peace. That night, I didnt had that dream, which I had for 5 consecutive nights. To me, it was nightmare. It was messing up my mind, my thoughts.

Even though all these are happening to me, I know God has planned something else greater for me. I used to ask God, why me? Why is all these happening to me now and why now? But I've learnt that I need to let go of the need to know why. I need to put my trust in Him completely. That is one thing I've always find difficult to do. But Blessed be the Lord for I am learning to put my trust in Him.

Although Im not feeling at peace right now. I know God is always watching me. I believe.

Labels: everlasting

If my heart has grown cold
There Your love will unfold
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand
When i'm blind to my way
There Your Spirit will pray
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hands
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hands

Oceans will part nations come
At the whisper of Your call
Hope will rise glory shown
In my life Your will be done

Present suffering may pass
Lord Your mercy may last
A You open my eyes to the work of Your hand
And my heart will find praise
I'll delight in Your way
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand

Oceans will part nations come
At the whisper of Your call
Hope will rise glory shown
In my life Your will be done

Labels: At the whisper of Your call