do you remember?

As much as i want to get over, I still find it tough. You were amazing.

Labels: my paper heart will bleed

I just dont get it and i dont want to. Go away.

dear blogger/ unknown readers,

Today's my birthday. And it all started out so good. At midnight, the netballers came to surprise me. I really didnt expected anything from them. Seriously. The only thing in my mind was that it'll be the most aweful day, whereby my parents wont even remember that it's my birthday, or most of my friends would forget also. So when my mum came in i just said that it didnt matter if it's my birthday at all, then came in the netballers, with a giant card, few pieces of sliced birthday cake and the video of E-liz imitating Mrs J for.. many years. When did she start the very first video? hah.

After they were gone, I continued with my Doctor Who. And i slept until the next morning at 11am. Cause i still see no point of making myself so excited for the day, so why spend so long for this day. Anw, many msges came in, plus facebook wishes. Then for lunch, I ate with er jie. Balithai. Thereafter, we went to the pets safari. And my sister bought me a giraffe! Poor Raffti.

So, Big question. How did i spent my birthday? I was siting infront of this very computer the whole day watching series of Doctor Who and HIMYM. It's the same for me every single day. And guess what? Today was infact the most painful day and aweful day ever. Cause i didnt have someone to share it with throughout like last year. It was so horrible. I missed him. I still dont understand. Even though he may not be here torturing me emotionally, he still can. Memories of him just wants to fade away. But yet, im still holding on. What for? You're just wasting your time and effort. I hate myself for this. It's just such a lonely birthday.
I really wanted to get through this day without crying. But i've failed.
I know you dont care. And you're annoyed with me for everything. Nothing i do can ever have you back. Then why am i finding it so damn f-ing difficult to let go of you.

One thing i did learn today. Dont have any expectations at all and you wont be disappointed.
It's 11.53pm. Just 7 more minutes to the end of my birthday. It doesnt matter anymore.

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain

Labels: You Alone are God

This is the month of May. Which also means my birthday is coming. Everyone say: AWESOME!
Anw, what do i want to get for my birthday? Well, stuff like that $90 green long pants from zara. I didnt think i would turn out liking things from zara and stuff that would cost more than $30. Have the money, but not the heart to spend it. :/ Besides trying to save as much.. for those of you who knows what's going on here and there. :) Other stuff includes a rock climbing shoes, that brown vintage bag (maybe not vintage).. There are other stuff, but i cant really rmb right now. :) Anw, one thing i would love to have for my birthday is that everyone gives me blue flowers. I'd be so pychic to wake up in the morning receiving blue flowers till the cows comes home. It's not the usual birthday present, but it would be memorable and AWESOME!. Plus, I REALLY LIKE BLUE FLOWERS!. In my whole life, i didnt receive one blue flower at all. :/ so i guess it would be awesome. Sadly at the same time, no one is reading this blog cause it's long dead and gone. No one knows this blog is alive and kicking! I guess, my birthday will just be another ordinary day. Just like how i spent it for the past 3 years. I really want something special this year.

the ultimate thing that i want can never happen.

As I walked to your doorstep, I wonder, what if he opens the door? As I look from you afar, I wonder, will he notice me? Till today, i know im not completely over. Yet, I can stay calm. There's just something about you. But what? I know it's gonna be a long way for me. There's nothing I can do about it, but to pray.

Why you?

Times has been hard on me. But I guess there's are worse cases. Right now as Im typing, I can feel my heart beating so damn hard. Reason? Im on the verge of crying. So in order not to, I have to breathe very hard and calmly. By just talking, tears would come. So whenever I wanna stop all these tears, I'd go to facebook and go to J's profile. Play the video- Oceans will Part. I find comfort in that song.

One thing i realised is that doing stuff, keeping myself busy is only a temporary solution. Eventually, it'll get tougher. Some nights you dream of him. Sometimes, you see him in your house. But it's just an imagination. Really, this thing is tearing me into bits and pieces. I become vulnerable at one look at his face. Or even seeing couples tgh. It just reminds me of him. It seems like everythings does nowadays. It's tough. But what else can do but to hold on to Him. Only God can take the pain away. And it's when times like this comes, all the more i should hang on to Him. Only He can bring me out of sufferings and pain. Being a christian doesnt mean you get to live a life without pain or trouble. For some, they live with it throughout their lives. I should be grateful that this is only temporary pain. It's taking more than I expected. But it'll pass. I believe God will not let me go through this for any longer. I believe it'll pass soon. Cause Im finally learning to let go of him. I just wished it didnt have to turn out this way. Cause it really sucks. Really.

I've lost a bestfriend at the same time. And i know that I can never have that friend that I used to know anymore. We've become strangers. You are stuck to your phone like glue. Even though i was beside you, you chose your phone over me. Silence took place. Nothing else came. You're not the man I used to know. Where's he?